I gave up. I quit.

I realized I had stopped trying.  And I was letting it happen again- I have been letting my eating disorder define me. After a long 3 days of training Friday, Saturday, Sunday and finally getting some serious bike mileage in, it all caught up to me- the stress, the lack of recovery, and the volume of training.

I can’t remember the exact moment, but at some point last week, either when I was working out or doing something at work, a thought came into my head and something and the response I had to myself was “it’s ok, I have an eating disorder.”

Now at the time , I didn’t think twice about it, but at home later that night, I realized- I had quit.  I was giving in again; I was letting myself be defined by my eating disorder… and more importantly I did NOT want to let it go.  I was enjoying, or at least defaulting, to the fact that it was ok for me to do certain things or act in certain manners because having an eating disorder made it ok.  I wanted that recognition, I wanted to be known that way.  It’s like I was proud of it.

Oh, I’m going to work out really hard today but then take tomorrow off because I’m sore and eat way less?  That’s ok, I have an eating disorder.

I’m going to put my socks on sitting on a certain side of my bed or else I’ll get fat or I won’t push myself to work out tomorrow? That’s ok, I have an eating disorder.

I’m going to not eat right after a hard workout so that I can “save” those calories for my real meal when I get home? That’s ok, I have an eating disorder.

NO!  It’s not ok.  It’s not normal for me to act like I have these inane “privileges” because I can use my eating disorder as a scapegoat.  This isn’t to say that I haven’t been challenging myself to new foods, etc. but it’s the fact that I wanted to be known by my eating disorder.

So as I was giving into all these rituals and obsessive compulsions that I believed were ok, I realized that I have to fight them.  I’ve written about this many times in the past, but I didn’t realize I was falling back in to it.  Being in a new city, new job, new lifestyle brings a lot of stress and I didn’t realize it.

When we are stressed, we revert back to ways that are comfortable for us.  People find different to handle (or not to handle) this stress and it’s not always good.  I guess this is how I cope.

So what am I doing about it?  For starters, I’m ignoring as many compulsions as I can.  I no longer have to chop my vegetables a certain amount of time.  I don’t have to believe I WON’T believe that wearing a certain shirt will make fat or not exercise. I REFUSE to believe my compulsions will have any effect on the greater part of my life.

Time to get back in the game.

How do you deal when you realize you are giving up?  Any help you can offer me?